No baby talk...

The Lord is answering my prayers...with each passing day I feel better. I feel like I'm getting back to my old self...the way I was before starting all of the hormones. I feel happy!

Alex took me to Memphis for the weekend. It was nice to just get away - even if it was only for two days. I told him while there, we couldn't mention IVF, babies, doctors, etc...and we actually stuck to it! It was nice. Come to find out, there are other things to talk about! I guess you forget that when your focus for two years straight has been baby-making.

I've packed away all of the needles and medications. We're taking time off before starting another cycle. I want to lose the 10 lbs that I gained while on the hormones as well as a few extra pounds that I gained pre-IVF. I'm joining a group of women that run several times a week...starts the beginning of June. I'm excited about it!

Thank you all for your sweet comments.

I'll continue posting, it just won't be about babies for a little while. :)

Love you all,
Jill

Just the two of us...

It has only been 4 days since I found out that the IVF failed but it seems like an eternity. The day after I found out, I was able to drive back to Hot Springs and actually lift my voice to the Lord in song while driving in the car...it felt like the healing had begun. I had a wonderful day with my Mom...she did a great job of keeping my mind off of things but talking about it when I wanted to talk. Unfortunately, I had to come back home later that evening...back home to the reality that I'm not pregnant and who knows if/when I will be.

I have a new little niece who came into the world, today...she is only hours old. I'm so happy she is finally here. I want to see what she looks like and hold her. At the same time, I don't want to step foot into that hospital and I feel bad for that. I wish I could snap out of this and just be happy. I want nothing more than to find contentment in the fact that I am not a mother. That is my prayer...to be content with the life God has given me. A life without children at this point. I'm struggling with the fact that God put this desire in me and has not taken it away at this point and it just hurts. It hurts to be around babies, families, pregnant women...it hurts. I know that I'm not the only one hurting...Alex is as well. We were sitting in a restaurant Saturday evening with one of our nephews. At the end of the meal, the waitress looked at Alex and said, "did you get a coupon for our Father's Day meal?" (I guess she assumed Pryce was our son) Alex looked at me quickly, like he had no clue how to respond. My heart began to hurt...the look on his face...he was feeling the exact same way I feel when someone ask if I have children, am I pregnant, all of those things people ask with no clue that it's going to hurt the person they are asking and so deeply.

I'm so thankful that we have God to lean on during this time and I know He has a plan for us and our future family. I know it will be better than anything we could have come up with on our own. I just need my heart to stop hurting...I need the tears to stop falling. I need to get back to the point of enjoying this wonderful life that God has given me with my husband...just the two of us.

You Make My Day...

This is an award that you see being passed around from blog to blog. Sweet Elaine has passed it on to me this week. Thanks girl...I needed it, today! :) I feel so lucky to have 'met' so many wonderful, strong, women through blogging. It's always nice to know that when you get the good news or the bad...you are receiving congrats or encouragement from women who have been exactly where you are at that moment. My blog roll has become quite lengthy and I add new ones to it daily! I just love all of you!

I need to to show the love and let a few girls know that they deserve this award as well! So...Sara, GraceChild, Mel and Andrea...these are just a few whose blogs really encourage me and even more importantly make me laugh (a very important thing during this process)!

Thanks again, Elaine...

Jill

A sad day...

I woke up early this morning and went in to have blood drawn. It took all of 5 minutes. I had already planned to spend the day in Hot Springs with my parents...Mom said we could shop all day to keep my mind off of it. I arrived at their condo around 10:30 this morning and needed to go to the bathroom immediately. There was blood...at that moment my heart sank. My Mom tried to reassure me that it didn't mean anything. I told her that I wanted to go shopping and not think about it. We were walking into our first store and the phone rang. It was the clinic. The nurse said it was a negative bloodtest...I'm not pregnant. My heart broke upon hearing those words. I immediately needed to get in my car and drive home. I had been there all of 30 minutes but knew I wouldn't be good company. I needed Alex.

I had an hour to drive back home and Alex met me at the door. We've been curled up in the bed every since...crying. Neither of us understand it but know God has a purpose.

The nurse was talking to me about a FET (frozen embryo transfer) but I'm not sure that I can jump back into another cycle right now...I think it's going to take some time. We had no idea the way it would hurt if/when we received the call that it didn't work. Now we do...and we're just not sure our hearts can take it again, so soon.

We weren't going to share the news until Saturday but to be honest, we need your prayers right now more than ever...we're grieving for the two babies that didn't stay.

No matter the outcome, it is His best for me...

Love you all,
Jill

The day...

Okay, I've had SO MANY PEOPLE (yes, I'm talking to you Heather! LOL) ask when we will let everyone know...so we've decided to post the day on here so there is no confusion. We will let everyone know on May 17th. We've asked everyone to please not text or call because we would like a little minute to process the outcome, no matter what the outcome is.

We're praying it will be positive news but there are no guarantees.

Hopefully knowing the day will make some of you feel better until we find out. :)

Love you all,
Jill

An encouraging post...

I read the following on Andrea's blog, Entrusted. After reading it I just wanted to say, "AMEN"! :) Mother's Day has been a day that I dread for so many years in the past. I've been wondering how I'm going to fake my way through it this year...especially since we're still waiting on the news of whether this worked or not, so this Mother's Day will be the first that I don't go to the bathroom and cry and if I want to run, I know exactly where to go. :)

Infertile women worldwide are currently hovering in dread of the weekend. This Sunday is the Day That Shall Not Be Named. When all the moms in church are asked to stand and be honored, I will be tethered to my seat by the short cord that feeds electricity to the neon sign on my forehead flashing, "Not a Mom! Not a Mom!" Or at least that's what it feels like. Every year as the second Sunday of May approaches, I start to imagine scenarios that would excuse me from church for just that one day - sickness, vacation, or at least a sudden need for a bathroom break conveniently sandwiched between singing and the sermon. A long bathroom break. On the other side of the building.

But ladies, we have a better escape route than running away from the Day That Shall Not Be Named. Can I paraphrase 1 Corinthians 10:13 for us? No temptation to self-pity, envy, or anxiety has overtaken you that is not common to women (yes, even the fertile ones). God is faithful, and he will not let the second Sunday in May tempt you beyond your ability, but on the Day That Shall Not Be Named he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure even a holiday that puts the spotlight on your heartache and yearning by celebrating the women who have what you don't. That way of escape looks different for each of us, but I can tell you this: I'm going to run to Jesus, and not to the ladies' room.

Bedrest is over...yay!

It is so hard to lay in bed and do nothing. My Mom has been here since Sunday evening. She has been great...waiting on me hand and foot while Alex is at work and then waiting on us both when he gets home. She spoils us both! She has been doing laundry, cooking, cleaning... I always hate to see her leave...not just because she cooks like no other but because there is nothing like having your Mother to talk to, especially when going through something like this. I love you, Momma!

Update on how I'm feeling since so many have asked...I feel good! I've had slight cramping off and on as well as feeling a little bloated/pressure. I also have been having these twinges of pain that come and go rather quickly in my tummy. I felt dizzy/nauseous when getting up today but I think that's from being in bed since Sunday afternoon. All in all, I feel really good. I don't really think there are any signs that can say this has worked or not. I'm believing it has though...until I'm told otherwise! :)

Thank you to everyone who have sent well wishes and those who have been checking in on me...you guys are great! We're blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.

I guess that's all for now! We just continue to wait...

Love you all,
Jill

What a wonderful day...

We woke up early, did my PIO injection and then had breakfast. I then decided that since I'm supposed to go in with a partially full bladder, I had better start working on that. When I went in for my HSG test a couple of years ago, they told me to have a full bladder so I went in about to pop - then they informed me it wasn't even close to being full and to come back when it was - I just wanted to make sure that I got it right this time. I proceed over the course of the morning to drink a couple bottles of water, a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice...you get the picture.

Upon arrival to the clinic, I was about to die. I was in so much pain needing to go to the bathroom. I honestly thought if I went in for the transfer at that moment there was no way I could hold it. We then speak with the embryologist and the doc decides we'll transfer two, since they are excellent, my age, etc. He said he would be scared to transfer 3. We ended up having 2 excellent embryos. One was 8 cell and the other 10 cell! We also have 3 more that they are watching over the next few days that we might freeze.

They prep me and are rolling me in and the nurse could tell I'm in pain. She stops and tells me to go relieve my bladder but only a little, they need a good view of everything on the U/S and that's why they have you come in with a full bladder. I go to the bathroom and only relieve myself a small amount and go back out...I felt a little better but not much, still in a lot of pain.

So there we are in the OR and it comes time for him to 'place the babies inside me.' I held it together at first...just trying to concentrate on breathing since I was in so much pain but when he told the embryologist to bring the babies out, I lost it. Here she comes with our little ones and at that moment my heart felt so full. We were able to see them on the screen making their way inside me and tears just started running down my cheeks...I couldn't hold it in.

This has been one of the most emotional days thus far during this entire process. I've just never been this close to being pregnant before and as stupid as it sounds, I felt this immediate connection with those 'babies'. Just knowing they are a part of me and Alex and that in 9 months we could be holding them...I will never forget this day for as long as I live.

The embryologist came in after the procedure and handed us a little dish and said, "this is where your babies were before we put them inside you". That may gross many of you out, the thought of us having the dish that our babies were growing in but I thought it was sweet. Anything having to do with those babies is sweet to me.

So now I'm resting in bed, enjoying this wonderful day. Praying these babies decide they like it in there and want to stick around.

No matter the outcome, it's His best for me...

Love you all,
Jill

Fert Report #2

Well, transfer has been set for tomorrow at 9:30am. I was hoping for a day 5 but it is what it is.

The nurse told me the following...I can't say that I understand it exactly but this is exactly what she said:
2 embryos - 2 cell/poor (don't expect them to progress anymore)
1 embryo - 5 cell/excellent
1 embryo - 5 cell/excellent-good
1 embryo - 6 cell/excellent-good

She said (since we are now working with 3 embryos) they will transfer at least 2, maybe all 3. The doc will make his final recommendation tomorrow.

You girls that have been through this...watcha think? Can you explain the cell division/quality, etc, to me? I don't know if our chances are favorable or not. That's really all the nurse told me.

Ultimately, I know that God is in control of it all and I know whatever the outcome, it's His best for me. So I can rest easy that everything is going to be okay.

I will update more tomorrow!

Keep us in your prayers, please?

Love you all,
Jill

Tag, your it!

I was tagged by andrea_jennine over at http://entrustedsoul.blogspot.com/ to list 3 random things about myself, so here goes!

#1: Alex and I married at 19 years of age. We were married for 9 years and then divorced for a matter of 9 months. During those 9 months God worked a miracle in both of our lives and brought us back together. We had our divorce annulled (as though it never happened) because we felt as though it was a beautiful picture of Christ's redeeming love for us. Being a PK (preacher's kid) my entire life, there was a lot of shame and embarrassment that went along with the fact that my marriage had failed but I know now that God had a plan the entire time. He has not only given me a marriage that honestly is better than I could have ever dreamed but has also opened doors that allow us to minister to couples going through the same marital struggles that we went through. That honestly makes it all worth it... I wouldn't change a thing. We now are about to celebrate our 12th year of marriage together! God is good.

#2: Alex and I (along side my brother and his wife) recently started a church in North Little Rock - Journey Church! (http://discoverjourneychurch.com/) This is the most exciting thing as of late that we have been allowed to be a part of!

#3: I wash my hands about 500 times a day and secretly wish everyone else did as well. It's really the only thing that I'm OCD about.

There's so much more that you don't know about me but I was asked to list just 3! :)

So I guess I should tag some of my other blog buddies that I'd like to get to know better! How about GraceChild over at http://james1vs2.blogspot.com/ and Ahuva at http://theanguishedcorn.blogspot.com/. Tag, your it, girls!

Fert Report #1

5 out of 6 have fertilized!! We are so excited about that!

I called Alex to let him know and his first words were, "you're officially a Mother". :)

We will receive the call tomorrow on how well they are dividing and whether the doctor wants to transfer on day 3 or day 5. Once they start dividing, they are given a grade of 1-3, 1 being the best. Pray all 5 of our 'babies' are smart and make the grade! LOL

Will let you know tomorrow!

**Oh, and Alex gave me my first PIO injection this morning (6am sharp) and I didn't feel a thing! He did a wonderful job! Yay!!**

Love you all,
Jill

Retrieval Update

Here are a few pics from this morning that Alex & my Mom took...the last one Alex must have taken right after I came out of the OR - thanks babe.

I went in this morning with just a few butterflies. I think it was the pain after the procedure that I was most nervous about. The OR nurses and anesthesiologist were all wonderful...all women who were making me laugh from the time they took me back until I was out of it and no longer conscious of what was going on. They said I was talking up a storm about all kinds of things once I got the silly juice...nothing too embarrasing, thankfully.

We went over the PIO shots and they marked my backside (per my request) so that Alex knows exactly where to stab me. Two red targets on each hip...no way he can miss. We start the PIO shots tomorrow morning...they have to be taken between 6am-8am. Alex gets up around 6am so that should be a great way to start my day each morning. *slight sarcasm*

They retrieved 6 eggs today. Now we're just praying they get together with Alex's 'contribution' and make us some embryos!

I'm cramping but not too bad. Just a small amount of bleeding. They have given me some good drugs for the pain though, so I'm going to have to stop typing here soon. It's starting to kick in.

I'll update again when I hear back from the embryologist tomorrow.

Thanks for all of your prayers!

Love you all,

Jill