An Attitude of Gratitude...

My verse today was 1 Thessalonians 5:18. Just thought I would share my heart.

"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."

We all have something in our lives...that thing that makes us think, 'if this would work out, everything would be perfect!' Of course when I read this, my mind immediately goes to the fact that I'm supposed to be thankful for my infertility. The verse is very clear, it's God's will that I be thankful in ALL circumstances of my life. It's so easy to be thankful for the good...the things that make me happy. It's not so easy when it comes to the difficult things. God wants me to praise Him for this thing that makes me cry on a daily basis...the want to conceive a child.

I can't say that I've got this down but I can say that I continue to trust God's best during this time in my life. I'm doing my best to develop an attitude of gratitude...even for the not-so-easy things, like infertility. He has taught me so much already and if He continues to make me wait for a child, I can only believe it's because He still has something to teach me in all of this.

Today, I thank Him for what He has taught me up to this point and I count my infertility as a blessing!

We've come a long way, baby. :)


Love to all,
Jill

12 years!!

Tomorrow (July 20th) is our 12th Wedding Anniversary! I can't believe it has been 12 years!! There was SO MUCH that we didn't know when we first married (19 years old) and I feel like we 'grew up together'. You still have a lot to learn about life at 19 and we learned about it together! Needless to say, it hasn't been easy to get to where we're at today *smile* but I honestly wouldn't change a thing. I'm so blessed to have him by my side.

This weekend we had 6 of our nephews and nieces in our home. At one point I was at the mall with all 6 of them and though they were a hand full (ranging in age from 2-15), I was enjoying every minute of it. I called Alex and said, "this is what our Mothers felt like with us"! (we both come from families with 6 kids) I loved waking up in the morning and hearing them all talking and laughing in the living room, I loved giving my 2 year old niece her nightly bath, I loved having 6 kids sitting around the dining room table every night, I loved picking up candy wrappers that hit the floor instead of the trashcan...I could go on and on. Thank you to my sisters for letting us 'borrow' your kids for the weekend...we loved every minute of it.

I still pray on a daily basis that God will allow us to be parents. At one point this weekend, I went into the bathroom and just cried. Children truly are a blessing from God and I pray He will bless us with a family of our own someday. Happy Anniversary babe! I love you with all my heart.

Jill

Weekend at the lake...

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy 4th!

Alex and I are heading out to the lake to stay at his parents condo for a few days. All of my in-laws will be there...they are a fun bunch, so I'm sure I will have stories to tell when I get back. :) Alex is so excited to have a few days off and to be in the water all weekend...he's like a fish. I on the other hand, enjoy being on the boat but would rather lay out by the pool (which is probably where I will be most of the time). Oh, and he's taking me to eat at Cafe Klaser tonight, which I'm most excited about!! It sits on the Little Red River and is beautiful in the evening. Whenever we go there, it brings back memories of a very special time in our lives. I have the best husband ever...love you, babe. :)

I hope all of you have a fun and safe holiday!

Love you all,

Jill

I'm back!!

I finally have my computer back and can I just tell you how excited I am to be able to catch up on all of my blog reading and see how you girls are doing!? I know it sounds ridiculous but I've had withdrawals. LOL

I just want to say Congrats to Mel...she received some wonderful news a few days ago and I'm ecstatic for her! It made my week to hear you got a BFP!! God is so good and hearing that it finally happened for Mel just helps me keep the faith that it will happen for me someday as well!

Not much to report...I've been running, having lunch with friends and laying by the pool most days. Ah the life. :)

Alex and I are still discussing when our frozen cycle should start. It will probably be in the fall. We just really want to enjoy our summer together with no patches, shots or pills. Not too much to ask for, right?

So happy to be back!

Love you all,
Jill

Computer is dead...

I haven't been able to blog or check on any of my peeps because my laptop died on me last week! I am currently shopping for a new one, so I will be back soon! Just didn't want anyone to think I'm ignoring your posts or comments. Miss you girls and can't wait to catch up on my blog reading!!

*you may be wondering how I'm writing this post...I'm sitting at an internet cafe, borrowing their computer* Sad....very sad. :(

I'll be back....

Love you all,
Jill

Best pap smear I've ever had...

I set up an appointment with my new OB/GYN months back. I was hoping to be pregnant by the time I went in to see him but as we all know, that didn't work out. Anywho, I had to go see him today because it was time for my yearly. I walked into the waiting room and no lie, I WAS THE ONLY WOMAN OUT OF 10 THAT WAS NOT PREGNANT...everywhere I turned there were big pregnant bellies! I thought I was going to have a panic attack...I had to call Alex to talk me down. LOL (I'm so not joking - but I can laugh about it now) I don't know what I expected to see at an OB's office but at my last doc's office there were never pregnant women in the waiting area. That's weird now that I think about it.

They finally called me back and I changed into the beautiful gown they supply and waited patiently. It didn't take long for him to come in and let me just tell you...this man was the most kind, compassionate, sincere (I could go on and on) doctor I have ever met in my life. He sat and we discussed why I was there and he started asking me questions about my history. I was to the point of telling him about my IVF cycle and when the words "it failed" left my mouth, I was in tears. He didn't make me feel stupid for crying and didn't seem uncomfortable with the situation either (unlike my last doc), he just handed me a kleenex and listened. We talked for quite a while and then he started the exam. After the exam, he came over and took my hand (he's old enough to be my grandfather by the way) and asked if he could pray for me. I said yes and he began to pray for me, Alex and our future family. *tears really began to fall at this point* After he prayed he gave me a hug and told me that he and his staff are there to help me with anything I might need and to just call. He told me that he would see me when I got pregnant or in a year, whichever came first. :)

It was awesome to me that my new doc is a man of God and that he prays for his patients like that. He told me a story of a woman that came into his clinic years back...he told her that she would never get pregnant due to a diseased fallopian tube. She walked back into his clinic 5 months later and wouldn't you know it, she was pregnant. He said she was the first patient in all his years of practicing that he ever told that...she was also the last. He told me that God is the giver of life and encouraged me to not lose hope.

How awesome is my new doctor!?

I called Alex back after the appointment...told him it was the best pap smear I've ever had.

One step forward, two steps back...

This is my oldest brother Chris and his wife, Kerri. Chris is the best big bro anyone could ever have. He's the oldest of us 6 kids and he takes care of everyone, I love him so much. Today he showed up on my doorstep out of the blue and I immediately knew something must be wrong. My sis-in-law was having some tests run yesterday and we've been praying that everything would come out okay. I was afraid since he came over that something must be up. He sat down on the couch and I asked him how Kerri was doing...if they had heard anything from the doctor yet. He started out by saying, "I wanted to tell you in person before anyone else." I immediately knew. I said, "she's pregnant?" He nodded his head and we both started crying. I assured him that mine were tears of joy. He has two precious step-daughters but this is his first. It was a total surprise to them...she had been having some pain and noticed some weight gain over the past few months but pregnancy tests were negative....needless to say, it's nothing that 9 months won't fix or 5 months in her case (she's already 4 months along). They went in for an U/S this morning, they are having a baby girl. He's going to be the best dad...I'm truly happy for him!

So why have I have been crying all afternoon? I really felt like I was at this place of being 'over it' for right now. To be honest, I didn't think there was a tear left to cry. I feel like I can't breathe...like the wind has been knocked out of me again. Everytime I feel like God has picked me up off the floor, I feel like I get knocked back down. I question His purpose in all of this. I don't question Him allowing others to have a baby, I question His not allowing me to have that as well.

I can't sleep so I went into the guest bedroom. This is the room that we want to be a nursery someday. I laid on the bed and cried. I wanted to pray but didn't have the words. The closet is filled with children's books, toys, clothes that I have bought for this child that we don't even have. That was my way of showing faith...by buying those things. Right now all I want to do is pack all of those things up and put them away. I'm losing heart. I feel like I'm getting numb to it all and cynical as well...a horrible place to be. I take one step forward and then two steps back...it's so frustrating. Pray for me, please? I could really use it right now.

Jill