The rest of the story...

I think it's important when sharing ones story, that we share the good days, as well as the not-so-good days. My not-so-good days are few and far between, but they do come and I always need time to think, pray & process. I write about those days because I think it's important to be real. Alex reminds me that we wouldn't have I & II Samuel, had Hannah not been real and shared her not-so-good days.

I take comfort in the fact that Naomi's story didn't end with her insisting on being called Mara. As my devotional points out (from Sarah's laughter)...
Here’s the good part. God doesn’t just see the here-and-now like we do. God saw more than a grieving widow and childless mother when He looked at Naomi. He saw a woman restored. It’s found in the first two words of Ruth 2:1, “Now Naomi…” God still called Naomi ‘pleasant”! There is never any account of God referring to Naomi as Mara or “bitter”. What does this tell us? This tells us that God saw more than what Naomi was able to see. He could see that He would restore her. He could see that the devastating season of her life would eventually end, and bitterness would leave her. God looked at Naomi and in His eyes, He saw her as pleasant.

I realize that God can see more than infertility in my life. He sees more than a struggle to conceive. He sees the future He has planned for me, and it’s a good one (Jeremiah 29:11). He sees that my constant struggle with infertility will eventually end!

Thank you, for your words of encouragement and for your prayers. God uses you to turn my not-so-good days into days where I'm actually thankful for this journey...every happy, sad, exciting, bitter, lovely day on this journey.

Today...my name is Jill. :)

Love to all!

Call me Mara...

The past two days have been hard for me. I have found myself pleading with God. I wish that having a baby were easier. I wish I could conceive like everyone else in my family. Out of this ginormous family...why am I the only one that has this problem? Not that I would wish for anyone to have this as well, I just want to be like them and to be able to conceive easily. For once, I want to be someone other than myself. I've always been happy and content with being me, but the longer I go through infertility, the more I wish I could be like everyone else. I wish that I could go off a pill, make love to my spouse in the privacy of our own home and then find out that I'm pregnant, in just a few short months. Instead, I get to stop injections in my backside, so that I can start giving myself injections in my stomach. I get to have my eggs taken from my body and mixed with my husband's sperm, so that our baby can hopefully grow in a petri dish and be placed back inside of me, to hopefully stay for 9 months. This exhausting/intrusive process is done over and over and without one single guarantee of a baby in the end. I wish the monthly weight gain that I've been experiencing was from a baby growing inside of me, instead of from the hormones that I inject, daily.

A few days ago, my devotional was on Naomi. It stuck with me. For once, I could relate to Naomi's story. Namoi's name meant pleasant, which described her well. That is until she lost her husband and two sons. After her loss, Naomi would no longer let anyone call her by her name. She would say, "Call me Mara." Mara means bitter. She said, "The Lord Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me."

The past two days, I feel as though The Lord Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I don't always feel this way, but right now, I do. I just wish it were easier.

Today, call me Mara.