Sunday, February 24, 2008

I needed that...

I went to church today and to be honest, needed every bit of it. When Cary was reading the passage of scripture that went along with his message, there was a verse that hit me in the face. I struggle (often) with feeling hopeless and wanting to give up on the whole idea of having a family. I learned early on in this process that infertility can be so draining...emotionally, physically and even spiritually.

I have these little 'breakdowns' every so often. Anything can trigger them and lately it has just been seeing families together...I struggle with just wanting that so badly and feeling as though it will never come. People give me this advice on a daily basis, 'God will give you children when the time is right'. I know this is true but what those people don't realize is, that means God has chosen NOT to give me a baby right now and I have to deal with that fact...that means right now the time is NOT right and that's a hard pill to swallow sometimes. Why is right now the right time for everyone around me but me?

I'm so thankful for my husband and church. Alex is so patient with me. He's the only one that I can just say whatever it is that's on my mind (no matter how crazy or mean it sounds) and he just listens. My church has been a God-send. The messages are always exactly what I need. I find something in every one of them. Cary is annointed...I really believe that. He's my little brother but he's also my pastor and God has blessed him with a gift of sharing the Word and in a way that I totally understand and just get.

I do know that God loves me and has put a love in me for a child that isn't even here yet. I don't want to lose hope that He's going to fulfill the desire that He has put in me, which is to be a Mommy some day.

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" 1 Cor 13:7.

I really needed that...


Anonymous said...

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit. ~Emmanuel

Love ya girl, hang in there it'll happen!!

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing!!! ab