Friday, May 16, 2008

Just the two of us...

It has only been 4 days since I found out that the IVF failed but it seems like an eternity. The day after I found out, I was able to drive back to Hot Springs and actually lift my voice to the Lord in song while driving in the car...it felt like the healing had begun. I had a wonderful day with my Mom...she did a great job of keeping my mind off of things but talking about it when I wanted to talk. Unfortunately, I had to come back home later that evening...back home to the reality that I'm not pregnant and who knows if/when I will be.

I have a new little niece who came into the world, today...she is only hours old. I'm so happy she is finally here. I want to see what she looks like and hold her. At the same time, I don't want to step foot into that hospital and I feel bad for that. I wish I could snap out of this and just be happy. I want nothing more than to find contentment in the fact that I am not a mother. That is my prayer...to be content with the life God has given me. A life without children at this point. I'm struggling with the fact that God put this desire in me and has not taken it away at this point and it just hurts. It hurts to be around babies, families, pregnant women...it hurts. I know that I'm not the only one hurting...Alex is as well. We were sitting in a restaurant Saturday evening with one of our nephews. At the end of the meal, the waitress looked at Alex and said, "did you get a coupon for our Father's Day meal?" (I guess she assumed Pryce was our son) Alex looked at me quickly, like he had no clue how to respond. My heart began to hurt...the look on his face...he was feeling the exact same way I feel when someone ask if I have children, am I pregnant, all of those things people ask with no clue that it's going to hurt the person they are asking and so deeply.

I'm so thankful that we have God to lean on during this time and I know He has a plan for us and our future family. I know it will be better than anything we could have come up with on our own. I just need my heart to stop hurting...I need the tears to stop falling. I need to get back to the point of enjoying this wonderful life that God has given me with my husband...just the two of us.

17 comments:

Alison said...

This is a beautiful and heartbreaking post, all of which I can 100% relate to. Please know that you are not alone in having these feelings and I wish so badly there was something I could do to make it easier for you.
{{{HUGS}}}

BB and MTB said...

I am so sorry that you still feel this pain. As you may know from reading my blog, I struggled with seeing the newborn of a friend whose due date was only 3 days after the due date of a baby I miscarried last fall. I also struggled with all the painful feelings, and I was afraid to go to the hospital because I was afraid that this baby would represent what I had lost. I thought that I would look at her and think only of a baby that I wasn't able to grow healthy and strong. Ultimately, I decided that the friendship with this woman was too valuable to let this enormous moment in her life go unacknowledged. Yes, there were a few tears, but in the end, this baby made me realize even more that my husband and I will be parents one day. I mentioned to my husband later that evening, that little baby represented hope for me, which is one reason why I continue to be shocked and amazed that I ran into my friend and this little baby in the hospital only moments before my transfer.

Of course, your feelings when you see your niece will be completely your own, and there are no guarantees one way or another. You should do only what you comfortable with, and you are in my thoughts and prayers, Sweetie. Hang in there!

gracechild said...

Hugs to you Jill. I'm glad that in the midst of all this, you're still holding on to God. I pray He puts His healing on you and Alex. Stay strong friend

mrsandrewweaver said...

Crying for you again today. :) I too wish I could help you get rid of the pain. Love you and praying for you.

Mel said...

Jill, the tears are running down my face for you right now. I am so sorry for this less than perfect news. I wish I could give you a hug and offer some kind of worthy words of wisdom but all I can really do is steal someone else's words and say "The dark moments of our life will last only so long as it is necessary for God to accomplish His purpose in us."
Thinking of you and praying for your peace.
*hugs*

Emily said...

Jill
can I email you privately?
send me one so i'll have your address...
rebsandhogs@juno.com

andrea_jennine said...

You're bringing great glory to God in the way you're walking through this. I am confident that he will answer your prayers for contentment and joy during this season when it is "just" you and your hubby.

Ellen K. said...

I'm so sorry about your failed cycle but glad that you can turn to God, your husband, and others during this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

Jill and Alex,
I wanted you to know how sorry I am to hear about your news. I am praying for you two to find the peace that passes all understanding. I pray for strength and comfort. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you two. Anything at all!

Emily Davis

Mya said...

Your post is so heartfelt, it touched me deeply. I'm glad you have been able to turn to God in the midst of your news. I know that God will answer your prayer and give you contentment while it is "just the two of you." You're in my prayers.

Hope2morrow said...

Oh, I'm sad for you right now! There will be good days and bad... "Pray without ceasing."

Found your blog today and will check back in. Allow yourself to feel it all because there is no stopping the emotions.

PJ said...

That's so hard. I don't think I'd want to go to the hospital either.

I hope that your find some peace in the upcoming days. It's still soon. I know you were really hoping for this one to work, but all we can do is try.

(((((((((hug))))))))))

Wishing 4 One said...

God is so Great, He will Help make easy for you what seems impossible.

I know I had to endure 4 negative tests after four transfers, I though I'd never heal.

But you know what our faith is NO DOUBT what keeps us going. God indeed has a Plan for all of us, we may not understand it always, but I really believe that it will make sense to us soon.

Sending you hugs and you are both in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog and I have been praying for you daily. My husband and I tried for more than 17 months and now we are expecting our first child in Oct. We went through monthly u/s and I had to take Clomid for 5 months and was on my last cycle of
Clomid before we tried other options and I was blessed and became pregnant. I just want you to know that others feel your pain. A good friend of mine and I started trying at the same time and she became pregnant within a month and now her little girl is over a year old. I missed out seeing her a lot because I couldn't help but think that should be me. I know that Mother's Day is always hard and I know that you want to run and hide out and cry when people ask so when are you going to have a baby or do you want kids? I will continue to pray that God will bless you with children when it is his time and in his way. Praying for you!

Katie said...

I am so sorry. I can say that I know how you feel at this point, and I know how it is difficult to look too far into the future when you have grief in the present. BUT, since you asked about it on my blog, the FET process is remarkably easy. It takes awhile to go through, which can actually be a good thing when you need some time off. At my clinic, the whole thing takes just about two months (53 days I think it was). There is ONE blood draw and ONE ultraound. My protocol is three weeks BCP, three weeks Lupron, three weeks estrace tabs (overlap in these), and then transfer. Easy breezy. The odds are less than a fresh cycle, BUT a lot of women do better with less meds. You could also consider a natural FET which has no meds. Either way, I know you will make the right decision.

Hope said...

I am so sorry that this didn't work this time. As I type this your picture with ya'lls big ole smiles is staring at me.

You both look so happy and in love, people say the same thing about Scott and I...if they could only see behind the smiles at that spot in our hearts that is empty and longing to be filled.

But, just the two of us isn't so bad. I can't imagine my life without him.

Praying for a happy month...thinking of you both.

sara said...

Hey there, just wanted to say hi and see how you were hanging in there. I've been thinking of you lately. For some reason my original post for this one is gone..so I thought I'd say hi again. Hope you're doing okay.