This is my oldest brother Chris and his wife, Kerri. Chris is the best big bro anyone could ever have. He's the oldest of us 6 kids and he takes care of everyone, I love him so much. Today he showed up on my doorstep out of the blue and I immediately knew something must be wrong. My sis-in-law was having some tests run yesterday and we've been praying that everything would come out okay. I was afraid since he came over that something must be up. He sat down on the couch and I asked him how Kerri was doing...if they had heard anything from the doctor yet. He started out by saying, "I wanted to tell you in person before anyone else." I immediately knew. I said, "she's pregnant?" He nodded his head and we both started crying. I assured him that mine were tears of joy. He has two precious step-daughters but this is his first. It was a total surprise to them...she had been having some pain and noticed some weight gain over the past few months but pregnancy tests were negative....needless to say, it's nothing that 9 months won't fix or 5 months in her case (she's already 4 months along). They went in for an U/S this morning, they are having a baby girl. He's going to be the best dad...I'm truly happy for him!
So why have I have been crying all afternoon? I really felt like I was at this place of being 'over it' for right now. To be honest, I didn't think there was a tear left to cry. I feel like I can't breathe...like the wind has been knocked out of me again. Everytime I feel like God has picked me up off the floor, I feel like I get knocked back down. I question His purpose in all of this. I don't question Him allowing others to have a baby, I question His not allowing me to have that as well.
I can't sleep so I went into the guest bedroom. This is the room that we want to be a nursery someday. I laid on the bed and cried. I wanted to pray but didn't have the words. The closet is filled with children's books, toys, clothes that I have bought for this child that we don't even have. That was my way of showing faith...by buying those things. Right now all I want to do is pack all of those things up and put them away. I'm losing heart. I feel like I'm getting numb to it all and cynical as well...a horrible place to be. I take one step forward and then two steps back...it's so frustrating. Pray for me, please? I could really use it right now.