Tuesday, June 3, 2008

One step forward, two steps back...


This is my oldest brother Chris and his wife, Kerri. Chris is the best big bro anyone could ever have. He's the oldest of us 6 kids and he takes care of everyone, I love him so much. Today he showed up on my doorstep out of the blue and I immediately knew something must be wrong. My sis-in-law was having some tests run yesterday and we've been praying that everything would come out okay. I was afraid since he came over that something must be up. He sat down on the couch and I asked him how Kerri was doing...if they had heard anything from the doctor yet. He started out by saying, "I wanted to tell you in person before anyone else." I immediately knew. I said, "she's pregnant?" He nodded his head and we both started crying. I assured him that mine were tears of joy. He has two precious step-daughters but this is his first. It was a total surprise to them...she had been having some pain and noticed some weight gain over the past few months but pregnancy tests were negative....needless to say, it's nothing that 9 months won't fix or 5 months in her case (she's already 4 months along). They went in for an U/S this morning, they are having a baby girl. He's going to be the best dad...I'm truly happy for him!

So why have I have been crying all afternoon? I really felt like I was at this place of being 'over it' for right now. To be honest, I didn't think there was a tear left to cry. I feel like I can't breathe...like the wind has been knocked out of me again. Everytime I feel like God has picked me up off the floor, I feel like I get knocked back down. I question His purpose in all of this. I don't question Him allowing others to have a baby, I question His not allowing me to have that as well.

I can't sleep so I went into the guest bedroom. This is the room that we want to be a nursery someday. I laid on the bed and cried. I wanted to pray but didn't have the words. The closet is filled with children's books, toys, clothes that I have bought for this child that we don't even have. That was my way of showing faith...by buying those things. Right now all I want to do is pack all of those things up and put them away. I'm losing heart. I feel like I'm getting numb to it all and cynical as well...a horrible place to be. I take one step forward and then two steps back...it's so frustrating. Pray for me, please? I could really use it right now.

Jill

22 comments:

BB and MTB said...

I can't tell you how much my heart hurt when I read your post. I know this journey to motherhood is different for each of us, and I can't possibly know exactly what it is and has been like for you, but I needed to let you know that I feel such great empathy for you. I understand that your feelings toward your brother's new circumstances are complex, and your happiness for him is mixed with feelings of continued loss. Your brother is a kind and wise man to understand this and want to share the news with you in person rather than hearing it second hand from another family member or even first hand over the phone. You may have read back through some of my older blog posts and found that you and I believe somewhat differently about God's role in our journey, but I sincerely hope that you find peace and comfort soon whatever that might mean for you. You are strong, and you will make it through these tough times. I hope that you get what your heart desires most very soon.

sara said...

I'm definitely sending some prayers your way. I'm sorry that this is such a rollar type coaster of emotions. I'll be thinking of you...

andrea_jennine said...

I'm so sorry, dear. Those are very challenging circumstances. In times like these, we have to keep telling ourselves that God is good no matter what gifts he gives or doesn't give. He saved you, he loves you, he gives you himself, and he doesn't want you to lose heart. He will carry you when you are so very weary. Praying for you...

Anonymous said...

Praying without ceasing...Mom

Jennisa said...

I don't know you, but for some reason I have you on my google reader...

I am praying for you today. I went through the trials of infertility for 3 years, and I know how your empty arms ache...I really do. When you wrote of not being able to have words to pray, and just sitting in "the room" crying....man, I was there...

God is there for you....He wants you to tell him how you feel. He wants to see your anger, your frustration, your hurt...It's so hard to talk to Him, when He feels like the one who is ignoring you, but....He is soverign, He is gracious, He has plans for you....

I will be praying for you today...

Elaine said...

Jill,
When we can't pray, when we don't have the words to say or the energy to say them, Jesus is there to intercede and put into words what we can't. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Over the weekend, my sister's boyfriend proposed to her. And what was to be a happy day for her was a sad day for me. Why? Because I know somewhere down the line that they too will be wanting children and I will be walking in your shoes. I even started crying about it, and had to talk to her about it immediately and request that she tell me in privately if/when they do decide to have children. Not because she needs my permission, but because I am going to need a chance to process the situation without people immediately looking to see how "Poor, Elaine..." is handling it. I am so sorry.

I will be lifting you up in my prayers today and for the next months. I know that this is going to be a very difficult time on you (pregnant women are the hardest for me), but I am already certain that you will be a stronger person and Christian when you reach the end of this valley.

Chin up, dear friend!

Mel said...

OH Jill, this is such a sad post. I am so sorry for everything you are enduring right now. I wish we could know what God was cooking up for you but He just knows better than we, that is for sure. I am thinking of you and praying fiercely that He will pick you and pull you through this very hard time in your life.

And I have to just say, how the heck is one so far along in pregnancy and clueless?! My jaw dropped when I read that. Seriously!

*hugs*

Cheryl said...

Hi, Jill!

I ran across your blog from Amy's and read this post. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. My husband and I too are trying to conceive and have been unsuccessful for a year now. It's completely taken be by surprise. I always assumed I would get pregnant right away since my mom and aunts did. I truly wish you many blessing and will add you to my pray list of women who are struggling with infertility. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I love you Jill. :-)

Jules

Alex said...

Heavenly Father,

Please carry my wife today.

You have promised to be near to the broken hearted. Please come through on that for Jill, right now. Please overwhelm her heart with you loving presence and compassion. Give her your peace that surpasses all understanding. Please keep our faith in You, our provider, and not in your provisions.

Thank you, for my beautiful wife, and the steadfast heart that you have given her. Thank you, for giving her the strength and courage to remain soft-hearted when it hurts so much. Thank you, for always being faithful and true to your word.

In the name of Jesus Christ I pray,
Amen.

Molly Telford said...

Love you bunches and hurt for you.

Emily said...

Jill
Read this today and thought about you.
In Luke, when John the Baptist is in prison, he sent his disciples to ask Jesus, "Are you the Expected One or someone else?" They go and ask Jesus, and He tells them, "tell John I am the one healing the sick, giving sight to the blind, raising the dead and making the lame walk."

Jill, Jesus is still in the business of miracles. He still heals, and He still mends, and He still brings people back. Don't give up on the Expected One. When I'm in really hard places, I have to decide, is He who He is?, or is He not? And He is. And He is today, and He is tommorow and He is next week. I'm not saying to not go through another IVF or other treatment, I'm just saying, please don;t give up on Him preforming a miracle. Put your trust in the Expected One, and not the someone else. He did not give you the desire to be a mother and then just leave you out there. He who has begun this work in you WILL BE FAITHFUL to complete it.
Hang in there and wait expectantly!!!!!

amy said...

Infertility makes our emotions such a mess. It is hard to be so excited for someone and yet hurt so much ourselves at the same time.
Our Jesus is a big Jesus. Continue to hang on to Him.
Your day will come.

Amy
dancingwithinfertility.blogspot.com

gracechild said...

Hi Jill. I've been where you are. I love my older sister with all my heart and she's like a mom to me; but when she sent me a text message that she was pregnant with her second child, I drove to the car park of a movie theater, sat in my car and just cried for hours. I know you don't need me to remind you that God is good and He will never leave you or forsake you. Right now I will just pray that He will be the lifter of your countenance and all I can promise you is that this too shall pass away and your heart will find healing just like mine did. Take care of yourself dear and don't ever bury your feelings under the guise of being "spiritual". Remember Micah 6:8 "and what does the Lord require of you... and walk humbly with your God". Walking humbly with God means being honest about our emotions when we come before Him. I'm praying especially for you tonight.

Kymberli said...

I have cried those same tears and asked the same questions of God before. Reading your post took me right back to those moments. Jill, I am sending many thoughts your way and I am keeping you in my prayers.

Kristen said...

I totally understand where you are...I have been there too. It is not a fun place. I just usuallly stayed in my house and cried ALL DAY. I am sorry you are having one of those days. Most people don't understand how you feel, but I feel you. I know you are happy for your brother, but it is hard to be happy when you want a baby too.
I will pray for you.

Anonymous said...

I don't even know you but have left you a comment before. It was so sad to read your blog because I remember being in my empty room crying wishing it could be a nursery. I remember being upset everytime someone I knew became pregnant so easily and especially those that didn't want to be and complained of not wanting another baby at the time. I prayed daily for what I wanted at first and then finally gave it all to God and prayed differently. I told God when I was angry and sad. I begged for answers of why some people can't have children and the only answer I came up with was those that want children so badly could love anyone's child. Pray for God to bless you with a child in his time and in his way. I am also praying for you daily. Know that others have been in your shoes. Although I am not expecting my first child I was there where you were once and have faith that it will happen for you too in God's own special way and time!

amy <> said...

I can relate exactly 100%. When my sister and her husband told my husband, me, my mom and dad they were pregnant at dinner one night (we had been going thru treatments for 6 months at that time) I was devastated. It was akward for everyone-- my parents were excited for her, but their hearts were breaking for us. I really was glad, but truly was angry too. I was mad at God, I was mad that she didn't pull me aside and tell me first in a more gentle way, I was envious, and I had to hold in my tears at the restaurant until I got home. I wasn't real honest with her until much later. She didn't even mean to or know how much that hurt me. God used this for me to cling to Him and find comfort and peace. He also really spoke to me in a bible study on envy... it's linked on my church website. I HIGHLY recommend listening to it... it was life changing. It helped me be "for her" not against her in jealousy. I was even able to tell her "I am for you." I will never forget that day.
Go to
http://www.irvingbible.org/index.php?id=1135

Click on Envy.

It's life changing (the whole bible study is as well as the Spring 2008-- ReAction. God USED these to heal me).

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I didn't leave my email address. It is nikkiwallce2002 at yahoo.com

nikki said...

We don't know each other, but I was pointed to your blog by my sister-in-law, Sharon Wallace, who I think knows someone you know (maybe through ACU?). Funny how that is. Anyways, I wrote you this long comment the other day and then another one with my email. Later I realized that the first one didn't post and I was too tired to write it again. I'm up for it now though.

I just wanted to let you know how helpful your blog has been to me. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for two years now. We have tried 5 IUIs and are now looking at IVF in India. Your blogs mirror the feelings that we have in a very real way. I cry when I read what you write, because I think I know how you feel. Your second to last one really touched me because since we've been trying to get pregnant, both of my sister-in-laws have gotten pregnant and had their baby along with cousins, friends, and countless aquiantances.

I would love to be able to communicate with you further. I have a lot of sympathetic friends, but no one who really understands. My email address is nikkiwallace2002 at yahoo.com. I will keep you and Alex in my prayers and thoughts.

Nikki

Anonymous said...

Jill, I just read these. I am praying for you today, right now, even though I know you are in a different place today. I love the posts from your friends and family as well. Thanks again for sharing this part of your life with us. God is at work here, He is HE!!!!!! I love you both!!!! ab

William said...

I see this was posted last month i hope your doing better now. I konw the feeling its like all my family does is have babies its really hard but we push on. hang in there were all in this together one big baby making challenged family.