I'm back!!

I finally have my computer back and can I just tell you how excited I am to be able to catch up on all of my blog reading and see how you girls are doing!? I know it sounds ridiculous but I've had withdrawals. LOL

I just want to say Congrats to Mel...she received some wonderful news a few days ago and I'm ecstatic for her! It made my week to hear you got a BFP!! God is so good and hearing that it finally happened for Mel just helps me keep the faith that it will happen for me someday as well!

Not much to report...I've been running, having lunch with friends and laying by the pool most days. Ah the life. :)

Alex and I are still discussing when our frozen cycle should start. It will probably be in the fall. We just really want to enjoy our summer together with no patches, shots or pills. Not too much to ask for, right?

So happy to be back!

Love you all,
Jill

Computer is dead...

I haven't been able to blog or check on any of my peeps because my laptop died on me last week! I am currently shopping for a new one, so I will be back soon! Just didn't want anyone to think I'm ignoring your posts or comments. Miss you girls and can't wait to catch up on my blog reading!!

*you may be wondering how I'm writing this post...I'm sitting at an internet cafe, borrowing their computer* Sad....very sad. :(

I'll be back....

Love you all,
Jill

Best pap smear I've ever had...

I set up an appointment with my new OB/GYN months back. I was hoping to be pregnant by the time I went in to see him but as we all know, that didn't work out. Anywho, I had to go see him today because it was time for my yearly. I walked into the waiting room and no lie, I WAS THE ONLY WOMAN OUT OF 10 THAT WAS NOT PREGNANT...everywhere I turned there were big pregnant bellies! I thought I was going to have a panic attack...I had to call Alex to talk me down. LOL (I'm so not joking - but I can laugh about it now) I don't know what I expected to see at an OB's office but at my last doc's office there were never pregnant women in the waiting area. That's weird now that I think about it.

They finally called me back and I changed into the beautiful gown they supply and waited patiently. It didn't take long for him to come in and let me just tell you...this man was the most kind, compassionate, sincere (I could go on and on) doctor I have ever met in my life. He sat and we discussed why I was there and he started asking me questions about my history. I was to the point of telling him about my IVF cycle and when the words "it failed" left my mouth, I was in tears. He didn't make me feel stupid for crying and didn't seem uncomfortable with the situation either (unlike my last doc), he just handed me a kleenex and listened. We talked for quite a while and then he started the exam. After the exam, he came over and took my hand (he's old enough to be my grandfather by the way) and asked if he could pray for me. I said yes and he began to pray for me, Alex and our future family. *tears really began to fall at this point* After he prayed he gave me a hug and told me that he and his staff are there to help me with anything I might need and to just call. He told me that he would see me when I got pregnant or in a year, whichever came first. :)

It was awesome to me that my new doc is a man of God and that he prays for his patients like that. He told me a story of a woman that came into his clinic years back...he told her that she would never get pregnant due to a diseased fallopian tube. She walked back into his clinic 5 months later and wouldn't you know it, she was pregnant. He said she was the first patient in all his years of practicing that he ever told that...she was also the last. He told me that God is the giver of life and encouraged me to not lose hope.

How awesome is my new doctor!?

I called Alex back after the appointment...told him it was the best pap smear I've ever had.

One step forward, two steps back...

This is my oldest brother Chris and his wife, Kerri. Chris is the best big bro anyone could ever have. He's the oldest of us 6 kids and he takes care of everyone, I love him so much. Today he showed up on my doorstep out of the blue and I immediately knew something must be wrong. My sis-in-law was having some tests run yesterday and we've been praying that everything would come out okay. I was afraid since he came over that something must be up. He sat down on the couch and I asked him how Kerri was doing...if they had heard anything from the doctor yet. He started out by saying, "I wanted to tell you in person before anyone else." I immediately knew. I said, "she's pregnant?" He nodded his head and we both started crying. I assured him that mine were tears of joy. He has two precious step-daughters but this is his first. It was a total surprise to them...she had been having some pain and noticed some weight gain over the past few months but pregnancy tests were negative....needless to say, it's nothing that 9 months won't fix or 5 months in her case (she's already 4 months along). They went in for an U/S this morning, they are having a baby girl. He's going to be the best dad...I'm truly happy for him!

So why have I have been crying all afternoon? I really felt like I was at this place of being 'over it' for right now. To be honest, I didn't think there was a tear left to cry. I feel like I can't breathe...like the wind has been knocked out of me again. Everytime I feel like God has picked me up off the floor, I feel like I get knocked back down. I question His purpose in all of this. I don't question Him allowing others to have a baby, I question His not allowing me to have that as well.

I can't sleep so I went into the guest bedroom. This is the room that we want to be a nursery someday. I laid on the bed and cried. I wanted to pray but didn't have the words. The closet is filled with children's books, toys, clothes that I have bought for this child that we don't even have. That was my way of showing faith...by buying those things. Right now all I want to do is pack all of those things up and put them away. I'm losing heart. I feel like I'm getting numb to it all and cynical as well...a horrible place to be. I take one step forward and then two steps back...it's so frustrating. Pray for me, please? I could really use it right now.

Jill

Running...

I started my running clinic yesterday. I loved it! I had to mark myself as a beginner on the questionnaire (thank God I did) because I was huffin' and puffin' by the last 3 laps. I am SO SORE today! I knew I would be...I haven't exercised in over a year! It feels good though...it's the good kind of sore, feels like I did something. My plan is to run 5 days a week for 30 mins each day. I will hopefully be able to up my time after a few weeks but my main goal is to be dropping the pounds over the next month. I'm also changing the way I eat which will hopefully help the cause. I have two vacations planned so far and both are at the beach, so I must get into shape before I am forced to be in a swimsuit every day...this is my motivation! :)

As for baby news...not much to tell. I had my follow up with my RE. He recommends a frozen cycle once I'm ready to start it up again. I'm not much interested in anything baby right now though...I'm enjoying this time away from it all.

My summer is going to be packed full of fun-in-the-sun...just me and Alex! :)

That's all for now!

Love you all,
Jill