Wednesday, December 3, 2008

32 and no kids in sight...

Today, I celebrated my 32nd birthday. I woke up to the sweetest card, left at my bedside by my husband. My sister came over and cooked me a birthday breakfast...chocolate gravy & biscuits (my fave!) It's a southern thing...don't knock it, till you've tried it! :) We sat and visited for hours...that time with her was the best birthday present she could have given me. I received phone calls, text messages, emails, blog comments GALORE...all wishing me a happy birthday. My sister-in-law came by with the sweetest gift and we were able to sit and catch up...love you, E! I ended the evening with my homegroup, which surprised me with cards, cake & presents...they are so precious. I'm blessed to be surrounded by so many people that I love dearly and that love me right back.

Throughout the day, I couldn't help but think about the fact that I'm 32 and have not one child. Upon first getting married (at 19), the plan was to start our family 10 years down the road. Now 10+ years have passed and still, no kids in sight. I went back and read some of my posts from when I first started blogging and I had such enthusiasm. I was so excited about starting the fertility treatments and just knew that we would be pregnant with twins after the first cycle. (LOL) I had no clue just how hard this road would be. I also had no clue just how awesome it would be. The up's, the downs, the excitement, the tears, the certainty, the anger, the broken heart. But yet in the end...a thankful heart...a full heart. I sit here crying, just thinking about how God continues to make something so beautiful out of such a hurtful process. The fertility treatment process isn't an easy one. This is one of the hardest and most trying things I've ever been through. The disappointment has been huge. Yet I still wouldn't trade it for a baby, ten babies even. How awesome it will be to hold my baby in my arms and finally see the entire picture that God saw from the very start. Oh, what a day that will be...and oh, what a wonderful day this has been! Thank you to everyone who made it so very special.

Love to all,
Jill

32 comments:

KE II said...

Jill, you're amazing, seriously encouraging. "the one who trusts in the Lord will have faitful love surrounding him" Ps 32:10
Sounds like you are really surrounded by that love, hope you had a wonderful birthday.
((HUGS))

Stickhorsecowgirls said...

Thanks, Jill, great blog! Please enter me and check out my "ad" for your contest at my new blog: www.stickhorsecowgirls.blogspot.com. Cindy Moody

Charnè said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY for yesterday!

I can relate to you on so many levels and today reading that you got married at 19, made me realise we have that in common to... Noel and I got married when I turned 20, we were high school sweethearts and i started dating him when i was 14!

I am a few months away from hitting 30, and really hoping that Gods plan has us been paretns before that birthday arrives!

As much as my heart aches for a baby, I too would not change anything, I have learnt so much since been on this difficult infertility road and I know God has used it to teach and mould me into the person He wants me to be. Infertility has brought me closer to Him!

Thinking of you and hoping that your arms are filled with your little miracle baby soon!

xxx

PJ said...

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I feel just like you do, I was so brazen about getting pregnant at the beginning of the year. Like IVF would just work the first time and this was the magic bullet. And while I knew people went through several often to get pregnant, I thought we'd be through it at least by now!

It IS a hard road. It's cliche, but I've gotta say, that old addage "if it doesn't kill ya, it'll make you stronger" kind of sticks here.

A friend who has three children winced at my talking about egg retrieval. haha!

I think a few months ago after my first failed IVF, I posted that I wanted to at least be pregnant by my birthday. And... here we are.

I hear ya sister!

Anonymous said...

How you always manage to leave me in tears, I will never know! LOL. Thanks for reminding me that it's the bigger picture - God's picture - in the end that counts. And, yes, whatta picture that will be! I'm thrilled you had such a wonderful day!!! :)

~Katy

Kelly said...

What a wonderful post! I'm so happy that you had such a wonderful birthday. God does have amazing plans in store you both of us and He is just making us better mothers everyday.

Hope2morrow said...

Happy Birthday to you, friend!

I understand your feelings and emotions completely. But, Jill, you have such a positive outlook and grateful heart. You inspire me, girl. I am so glad to have met you online. I know you have the same hope that you have for all of us, and I'm proud of you for always being so optimistic!

Happy Birthday!

Jennifer said...

Jill~i found your blog thru faith and wanted to tell you that i understand all to well what you are going thru. thank you so much for being so positive and sharing this post.

by the way i LOVE chocolate gravy and biscuits!!

praying for your miracle!!!

Melissa Jo said...

Happy Belated Birthday...I'm right there with ya, 30 and no kids in sight! I'll be praying for ya!

Kristen said...

Happy belated Birthday!
You are such an amazing woman. I am amazed by your positive attitude and your hopefulness!
I know that God is going to bless with a child someday, you will be an amazing mommy! I am praying for you daily! :)

Mel said...

Happy belated birthday--I am so glad you had such an amazing day!
You always amaze me and I love the attitude with which you approach your life. I know it's hard, but I also know that God works for the good of those that trust in him and your faith has been absolutely unrelenting. I KNOW he has such wonderous things in store for you that none of us could ever even fathom.
I am so blessed that you were born 32 years ago yesterday, I really am. I absolutely adore you and think the world of you!
*hugs*

SAHW said...

Your perspective is phenomenal...how right you are, that one day down the road, you'll get to see the picture God has seen and known all along...I hope you will be seeing it soon. :)

bb and mtb said...

Happy Birthday!!! I hope all your birthday wishes come true and then some.

For the record, I haven't had chocolate gravy since I was 5 years old. May have to ask for some the next time I see my Aunt Nancy - the only person I've ever known who made it.

Monte and Missy said...

First of all, sooo glad to hear that you had such a joy filled Birthday!
I can't tell you how may times I've been discouraged by the lies of the enemy concerning age and children. March 14th was Monte's 32nd, and mine was Sept. 1 - I remember thinking and probably even saying "we are getting so old"...and still waiting for Abigail, whom we pray is the 1st of many children from the Lord. At those moments that fear and doubt come in to steal my joy. The enemy is so good at preying on those fears and doubts. I have to remind myself like you said here that our Father is in complete control and He has seen the ending from the beginning. No matter what I see or feel in a moment, God has a grand panoramic view that surpasses all that is set before me. It's great to be 32 and holding onto Him!

Rathi said...

I totally understand what you are feeling. We having been trying and waiting for almost three years! Each birthday that goes by is hard, but as you said it is an experience that I would not change. Make you appreciate everything, even the small things even more! Hope you had a wonderful birthday and can't wait to see who won your giveaway!

Michele said...

Jill - Hope you had a very special and happy birthday. The waiting is so hard - and filled with so many questions. God does promise us that He will journey with us through the valleys. I pray that you can rest and continue to find peace in the midst of the waiting.

JJ said...

Sounds like you were very surrounded by love, as it should be. Waiting and the unknown is THE toughest thing about this journey...hoping your wait is not much longer-my birthday wish for you!

The Patterson's said...

Happy Belated Birthday!! I, too, wouldn't trade infertility as it has strengthened my relationship with the Lord and my husband. But, it does get harder as the birthdays come. Praying for you, girl!

Alice said...

Happy Birthday....I am sorry for your hurt but grateful for your outlook. I am still praying for a baby Averitt, in hopes it will be soon.

andrea_jennine said...

Happy birthday!

Jim and April said...

i wrote a comment and something happened so I dont know if it will go through...so I will write it again.

I am sorry I missed your birthday yesterday! I hope you had a great one! I agree with you how even though these years of TTC have been hard and not what we expected, I would not take it back either...for the work God is doing in us is far greater! Love, April

I Believe in Miracles said...

You are an amazing person and I know that God has great things in store for your life. I'm praying for you, sweet friend.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO J~I~L~L...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

~~HUGS~~

annalee said...

happy birthday! your wisdom and outlook are amazing. may this year hold much blessing!

amy said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Anonymous said...

WOW! Awesome. Love you. ab

Just Me. said...

M here from L&F.

I made a speech on my wedding day and I told everybody that we would like to have little MEs running around the house. Little did I know too how hard the journey was.

Happy Birthday and hope you will reach your resolution soon before your next birthday.

(((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Jill,

If God can give the bible character Sarah kids as old as she was then a lady in her 30's is nothing. God is a miracle worker, and He is the same God now as He was then. Love ya- Nat

Faith said...

Oh Jill, I am so sorry I did not see this yesterday. Happy, Happy Belated Birthday!!! I am so glad that you were surrounded by loved ones and had such a special day. You deserve it!

I completely relate to everything your wrote about how things have not turned out like you thought they would. Each year/holiday/birthday that goes by is kind of an "in your face" reminder of how things haven't gone as planned - at least it is for me. Your words of faith and trust in God's perfect plan and timing are encouraging to me and I thank you for sharing your heart.

I'm praying for God's biggest blessings upon you in the year to come and praying that this next year is marked with a baby for all of us waiting on Him!!! What glorious days those will be!

Love you and wish I could give you a big birthday hug!!

Andrea said...

I just found your blog through a link on another blog to your giveaway. I wanted to let you know I'm reading and very much admire how you are seeking out God and keeping such a positive spirit even throught difficult circumstances. I can see His work in your life and it is a blessing that you are sharing your story and strength with others. Merry Christmas!

Portia P said...

Happy belated birthday. We're birthday twins - except I was 40 on 3rd December.

I wanted to say that I have the same faith in G-d as you. After two and a bit years of trying, 5 IVF/ICSI's and some major lows, G-d sent me my little boy on 31 October.

If I was lucky at my age then I know you should hang on in there.

Good luck.

Becky said...

Hi, I found your blog thru a link to your giveaway. Sorry that I missed that in time!
I admire the faith that you portrait concerning dealing with IF. My hubby and I were 7 years dealing with IF and TTC. Much heartache. Some anger moments at God. Definately in the end, strengthened our faith and relationship. Took a long time to see what He was doing!
God's plan for us was not natural pregnancy but adoption. We have two beautiful kids.
Blessings as you continue on the journey to parenthood that does not come easy for many!!

If you have any advice that you can share, please visit my blog and the post "I need your feedback" concerning my upcoming talk to a MOPS group on how to support those dealing with IF.

Becky said...

Hi Jill, thanks for coming by and leaving your feedback on my post concerning my talk in January.

Yes, I know, as an adoptive mom, the loss of which you speak by not having biological children. I'm 15 yrs. down the road and by God's grace, it's barely a tweak of a pain every once in awhile. My children's birthdays hit me hard. There is always that loss of a child/ren that would come from you and your spouse.
However, I know we went through what we did to have the children that we have, not as a 2nd choice or 2nd best but, as God's design and plan.
It took me a long while to lay down the heartache to become pregnant and realize I just wanted to be 'mom'.

I'm glad that you pointed out that it is not necessary for those speaking to IF couples to mention adoption as an option. I will definately include that in my presentation. That is a point that every person and couple has to come to on their own, and that they don't need pointed out to them!

Again, prayers and blessings as you continue to do what you feel led to do to form your family! Your faith is definately what will get you through this difficult journey!