Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Call me Mara...

The past two days have been hard for me. I have found myself pleading with God. I wish that having a baby were easier. I wish I could conceive like everyone else in my family. Out of this ginormous family...why am I the only one that has this problem? Not that I would wish for anyone to have this as well, I just want to be like them and to be able to conceive easily. For once, I want to be someone other than myself. I've always been happy and content with being me, but the longer I go through infertility, the more I wish I could be like everyone else. I wish that I could go off a pill, make love to my spouse in the privacy of our own home and then find out that I'm pregnant, in just a few short months. Instead, I get to stop injections in my backside, so that I can start giving myself injections in my stomach. I get to have my eggs taken from my body and mixed with my husband's sperm, so that our baby can hopefully grow in a petri dish and be placed back inside of me, to hopefully stay for 9 months. This exhausting/intrusive process is done over and over and without one single guarantee of a baby in the end. I wish the monthly weight gain that I've been experiencing was from a baby growing inside of me, instead of from the hormones that I inject, daily.

A few days ago, my devotional was on Naomi. It stuck with me. For once, I could relate to Naomi's story. Namoi's name meant pleasant, which described her well. That is until she lost her husband and two sons. After her loss, Naomi would no longer let anyone call her by her name. She would say, "Call me Mara." Mara means bitter. She said, "The Lord Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me."

The past two days, I feel as though The Lord Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I don't always feel this way, but right now, I do. I just wish it were easier.

Today, call me Mara.

38 comments:

Monte and Missy said...

We love you guys, and we can't wait to see the BIG family that God builds for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers this night.

Charnè said...

o Jill i know exactly how you are feeling and i wish i could ease the pain you are feeling today..

not to long ago, we were at church and a few people shared words/phropechies for the congregation, it was all about a new baby coming home, a long awaited child been born, a family been created, etc etc.. the whole service was around this and Noel and I felt this message was for us, we were so excited and so convinced our social worker would phone or we would be pregnant soon... well nothing happend, except everyone in the church that I knew was trying to fall pregnant seemed to be sharing the news of their pregnancies in the following weeks! I was shattered, i felt alone, i felt like God has blessed them all but had forgotten about me or did not want to bless me! I felt like the all were falling pregnant just to hurt me. And i felt foolish for believing so storngly that the words shared that day were for us.

I know now that He didnt forget about me, but its still to hard for me to attend church at the moment and see all those preggie bellies that could have been mine!

I really hope you feel better soon!

xxx

Rhonda Rae said...

Russ and I pray for yall daily and tonight Ill be sendin a few extra up for ya. Love yall

bb and mtb said...

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry that these feelings are getting you down. We don't necessarily have the same philosophy about everything, but I hope that this experience is for something. I would like to believe that you may someday be called to counsel others with an empathy and understanding that would be impossible without this experience. Or perhaps you will be called to nurture a little one who needs you more than you need him. Or perhaps there is some other reason that cannot be understood right now.

I wish this was somehow based on fairness. I wish that it was easy for you and for so many of the women I have met through this community. I wish that I could make you feel better. Instead, all I can do is offer my support and an ear for when you need to let off a little steam. You have been beyond patient and maintained such a thankful and positive attitude – you have amazed me and you are an inspiration to so many ladies. I hope that you find peace and the courage to continue on the journey. Many hugs for you, Jill.

Vashti said...

Martin and I are also trying to concieve. We are not at the treatment stage yet but I know how you are feeling, every month feels like a huge anti-climax. Before Christmas I was sure that I was pregnant, to the point that I went and got a test...Christmas morning I found out I wasnt. Merry Flippin Christmas!
But I know that God's got His agenda and His plan and He knows what comes next for us. We want to adopt another baby, maybe we are supposed to do that before having biological...I dont know, but in the meantime we will keep trying!
Im praying for you guys.
Love Vashti

Seraphim said...

Jill, it's your honesty here that has moved me to tears. All I can say is from Corinthians "This too, shall pass." This feeling, this pain will ease. Not today, probably not even tomorrow, but it will.
You are surrounded by people who love you. Near and far xxx

sara said...

I'm so sorry sweetie...I wish that this was so much easier. You have such a great faith you have inspired me so many times when my own is lacking. I have felt anger towards God sometimes and have felt unloved by him. I know it's not true..but sometimes along our IF journey it just hurt so badly not to be able to have something that others get so easily I couldn't help but feel that way. I am so sorry that someone as beautiful as you (both inside and out) have to endure this. It just doesn't seem fair. You are always in my thoughts...((hugs))

Linda Lou Rogers Averitt said...

MY sweet Jill, this makes me cry for you and hurt with you, I am so thankful you were so honest becasue I believe when our burdon is heavy God will let others help carry it. There are no answers as to why sweetie, we just have to trust and I know, I know, I know that our Father in Heaven knows what He is doing even though we do not understand it, it is ok to feel bitter/angry and left out and alone, there is no doubt that God is in control of your life and He will meet you at your place of need no matter how we feel, think or act BECAUSE HE HOLDS YOU IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND AND LOVES YOU!! I love you so much too and I am praying, praying, praying and believeing. I am thinking of Martina's Mcbriddes song: You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life ain?t good
And when I pray it doesn?t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world?s gone crazy and it?s hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ?em anyway

Repeat Chorus

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they?ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway,












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Anonymous said...

I will call you, Sabra: Patience and rest while dealing with a thorny cactus!

I love you!

Anonymous said...

Jill, I'm praying for you right now and will continue to do so. I'm also praying for you two to have a house full of kids and for that to be sooner than later. I love you both. ab

Shannon said...

I'm so with you on this one. I'm praying for you daily!

gracechild said...

I will call you as God calls you; blessed and a mother of nations. I haven't ceased praying for you and I believe so much in my heart that I will rejoice over you & the increase in your family. This weeping can only endure for a night. Hang in there baby girl; we do serve a God that is not cruel even when life seems to be

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you...

Jen and Jared said...

Hey girl... thanks for sharing. It is good to know when you are really struggling so I can pray for your spirits to be lifted. Every day is a new day and like your wall says... holds the possibility of a miracle. I'm looking forward to our outing and so is Peyton - she gets so excited to see you! In the meantime, I'll be praying for you! Love you!!

Jen

Mel said...

The down days are the worst. I was reading old posts in my blog the other day and I was amazed at some of the horrible things I said and felt at some of my lower points. God has given you such a strong mother's spirit and I will continue to pray that he will fulfill the desire he put in your heart soon... and that his timing will be so perfect it will take your breath away.
For what it's worth, I was sitting in my car this morning thinking about all the times I could have gotten pregnant when I was younger (I was stupid and careless for many years) and all of the many months I could have conceived during our treatments but how if I had THIS exact little girl would very likely not have been conceived. God wanted HER to be in my life at this time for a specific purpose. I know he holds the same thing for you, sweetheart.
Dear Lord please give my friend Jill the strength and encouragement to make it through these tough days and the hope and peace to continue on her journey to motherhood. Do not abandon the works of your hand in her life, Lord, and work in her heart through the Holy Spirit to understand this struggle in her life. Thank you for your unfailing will and promise in our lives, Lord, and your unending grace.
*hugs*

Michelle said...

Oh how my heart breaks for you. I will pray and I know that your faith is strong. It is okay to feel the way you do. Just know that He will answer. {{HUGS}}

Hardage Family said...

You have received so many kind words...let me just add mine, I think of the two of you all the time...When I become frustrated or irritated with my kids I will run across your blog and get a nice little wake up. I don't know why God has chosen you to do this...but reading your experiences has truly helped me strive to be a better mother and more appreciative of what I have. You are an amazing person and a reflection of Christ, even when you are down...which says alot about your character and faith! If you ever need a shot of funny or sarcasm on these days...let me know. I am good at those! P.S. Maybe singing loud for all to hear will bring cheer at times other than Christmas??

Mary Lee Welch said...

I'm praying for you Jill and I'm so sorry you are hurting! We love you!

Eric and Emily said...

God hasn't forgotten you!
But who hasn't gone through infertility without having one of those days you talk about, bitter, sad, alone. You have been through a lot! It is hard to comprehend why others get their chance and others have to go through what feels like embarrassing, unconventional ways to get pregnant, but we are more compassionate and empathetic because of it, and that I know I do appreciate! I too have felt like Naomi many days!!!
Love and Prayers!
**Emily**

Kristina said...

You put it into words everything I have been feeling.

Anonymous said...

To the Twin of my heart I will call you by your name Jill(sweetheart)Amy(Beloved)Lyn(Beautiful). My sweetheart, beloved & beautiful sister. I will pray for miracles as in years past and BELIEVE that our God will answer. Love you more than words can say...

Amy & Ryan said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I have never posted on your blog, but have been a lurker for awhile now. I just want you to know that I know how you feel and wish that I could take the ache away. When my husband and I were ttc there were days I would beg God to take away my desire to be a mom and have a baby. That would make all my pain go away, right? Don't give up on yourself and keep looking for answers. God is good and I know that his plan for you is grand.

annalee said...

honesty is so important. i'm so sorry for the pain. my prayers for you continue!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh honey, I am truly sorry and wish there was some way I could make things better for you! I can't even imagine what it must be like. I'm praying for you, and like you tell me, if you wanna talk, or cry, or laugh, just call! ~Katy

Polly Gamwich said...

I'm so sorry Jill. I know this pain and this frustration - I know what it feels like to wonder if God still loves me. And i'm so sorry you're there. My heart breaks for your heart. I pray for God's closeness now in this time.

Big hugs,
Polly

Cheryl said...

Jill, Thank you so much for making this post. I have been praying to God to let me get through this year with Faith, Peace and Poise. I am so afraid, or on the edge, of becoming bitter, mad and sad all the time. The roller coaster of hormones certainly doesn't help us but hang in there. Love ya!

Faith said...

Jill, I just realized I was signed in under a friends account because I was working on their blog. So sorry! That comment from "eric" was actually me...I'm sure you were wondering who in the world that was! You can just delete it if you want...

Love you and praying for you!

amy said...

Mara (Jill), When I read this I said a prayer for you. I hope you took some peace from the ending of Naomi's story...The Lord didn't deal bitterly with her forever.

The Patterson's said...

Jill - This post was perfect. It simply shows the natural feelings of those of us dealing with infertility. What amazes me most is that this feeling can change daily (who am I kidding, hourly!!). I'm continuing to pray for you - for peace, comfort, and a baby in 2009!
((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I am sure glad Jill showed up for lunch today instead of Mara..
Jill, you are a testament of how God is taking a hearbreaking situation and using it for good. He has done it before in your life and He WILL do it again. Love you girl!!- nat

Joannah said...

I know how you feel, sweet girl. I got married *way* after all the others in my circle of family and friends did, and no one else I know has had infertility. All I've ever wanted was to be married and have a family, and it's been an uphill battle all the way.

But, to stay sane and enjoy life, I don't dwell on my "uniqueness" for too long. I just try to keep looking forward, because there's got to be a way out of this.

I totally get the frustration with the weight gain, too. I've gained at least 10 pounds since I started the injectibles in October. I have maybe three or four pairs of pants that fit right now out of a closet full of them. Michael keeps saying he loves all of me. That's nice, but I'd like to be the twig I was when we first met! LOL!

And, I was just commenting to a coworker who told me she's pregnant with #2 yesterday (sigh), that I don't even equate sex with pregnancy anymore. No, that's not how it works! You have to go to the RE and spend lots of $$ and have many invasive procedures to have a baby in my little world.

Anyway, you are not alone in your feelings. I'm sorry that you are suffering with IF, but I'm glad that we've met via our blogs and can support one another during this difficult season.

Hang in there!

((hugs))

Heather said...

Jill- I can relate to this post very much and I am so sorry for what you are going through. When we were going through infertility treatments and such, I also studied about Ruth and Naomi. And I know it's easy to say from the other side...but remember what happens later for Naomi:
"Praise be to the Lord who this day has NOT LEFT YOU..." (Ruth 4:14)
He HAS NOT LEFT YOU. He has a plan for your sweet family. I hate, hate HATE that you are having to go through all this...but you will not be Mara forever.
I am praying for you!

P.S. If nothing else, (and the rest is ALOT) the weight gain alone almost put me over the stinkin' edge. It still does when I think about it. (I weighed more at the beginning of this pregnancy than I did THE DAY I DELIVERED CONNOR- what in the world?!?!?) Stupid hormones! The very hormones that are supposed to be helping your body just made me sick and unrecognizable. UGGG.....SO FRUSTRATING!

Hope said...

I could just say ditto...so many sweet words sent to you. You are in my prayers. I have those days, but people like you always pull me out...now it is our turn to pray you out!

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh hun. I'm so sorry. I do hear your frustration. I wish I could go off and just dance and come out pregnant. But alas, God has bigger plans for us, ways to teach us more about his grace.

I'm praying that this cycle is your cycle and you get a BFP at the end of it. One that will end up with a beautiful babe(s) at the end of the 9 months. I'm praying that you move to my answered prayer list very shortly.

~~HUGS~~

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh - and one more thing. Just think of how cool it is that your child has already been prayed for and loved by so many people. People who just dance might not even realize how special and miraculous it all really is in the same way that we who work so hard to get there do. That's helped me a whole lot when I'm feeling bitter about the process.

Jim and April said...

im so sorry your feeling this way...i have felt that way many days too...just wanting a baby so bad! I will be praying for you!

Alice said...

Your post brought tears. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I continue to pray for you and Alex, the baby/babies that you desire. Praying with much hope!!!!

amy said...

I know these down days. I remember them perfectly and I am crying with you. I have not stopped praying for you since I've read this post the other day. Your attitude is amazing- God uses you to encourage SO MANY other people going through the same thing- what a great ministry! It's okay to be down... think of David! I would read the Pslams (still do) and cry out in anger to the Lord in one sentence and praise him for his goodness in the next! He understands. Praying diligently that God bless you with the desire of your heart. He is good, He hears our prayers, and His timing is perfect.
Hugs to you, sweet Jill!