I needed that...

I went to church today and to be honest, needed every bit of it. When Cary was reading the passage of scripture that went along with his message, there was a verse that hit me in the face. I struggle (often) with feeling hopeless and wanting to give up on the whole idea of having a family. I learned early on in this process that infertility can be so draining...emotionally, physically and even spiritually.

I have these little 'breakdowns' every so often. Anything can trigger them and lately it has just been seeing families together...I struggle with just wanting that so badly and feeling as though it will never come. People give me this advice on a daily basis, 'God will give you children when the time is right'. I know this is true but what those people don't realize is, that means God has chosen NOT to give me a baby right now and I have to deal with that fact...that means right now the time is NOT right and that's a hard pill to swallow sometimes. Why is right now the right time for everyone around me but me?

I'm so thankful for my husband and church. Alex is so patient with me. He's the only one that I can just say whatever it is that's on my mind (no matter how crazy or mean it sounds) and he just listens. My church has been a God-send. The messages are always exactly what I need. I find something in every one of them. Cary is annointed...I really believe that. He's my little brother but he's also my pastor and God has blessed him with a gift of sharing the Word and in a way that I totally understand and just get.

I do know that God loves me and has put a love in me for a child that isn't even here yet. I don't want to lose hope that He's going to fulfill the desire that He has put in me, which is to be a Mommy some day.

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" 1 Cor 13:7.

I really needed that...

A new plan!

Okay, so Alex and I prayed and talked about it last night. After sleeping on it, we have decided to choose a different clinic. We really like Dr. Shanti and the entire staff at UAMS but we feel like the whole process would be rushed since they are closing their doors and have to get it done by April. Also, Dr. Shanti said it was important that she monitor me closely the first 8 weeks of my pregnancy (assuming we achieved that) and since she will be leaving right after the transfer, that would have me finding a new doctor for those 8 weeks until I'm able to see my OB/GYN at 10 weeks. We just weren't comfortable with that so that puts us looking for a new fertility specialist.

We called this morning and are now at Arkansas Fertility. Alex and I have friends who have used these doctors and both of them have had successful treatments. One now has twins and the other friend has a set of twins and a set of triplets! Can you imagine!? Anyway, they both highly recommend these doctors and now that insurance is paying, we can actually use them (private practice is a little pricier than UAMS).

Our first appointment is March 3rd at 8:30am with Dr. Miller! A little bit of a wait but we're getting good at this waiting game. :) The most important part is that we both have peace about it and we woke up this morning knowing this is what we should do.

That's all for now!

Happy Valentines Day! :)

Love,
Jill

When it rains...it pours

Well, Alex and I both had to go to the doctor today. He has the flu and a sinus infection. I have strep, virus #2 (a strain of the flu that medicine won't touch) along with a UTI and I am also pretty dehydrated. This could not come at a worse time. We were supposed to go in tomorrow to have our final bloodwork so we could start the medications.

On top of all the sickness in our home, our fertility doctor called today. They are closing the fertility program at UAMS and if we don't do my bloodwork tomorrow, I will not be able to finish with Dr. Shanti. I'll have to find a new doctor and start over. She said that if I come in tomorrow to have my bloodwork and if everything plays out perfectly, I will be in the last group of women that they will do a transfer on before closing in May.

At this point, I think I'm going to drag myself to the doctor tomorrow and let them draw blood. They said Alex could come in whenever he feels better because his doesn't depend on his hormones.

I have to be honest...I have fears that everything won't work out perfectly (nothing has up to this point) and we will be starting over with less money to give another doctor. Our insurance will only pay up to a certain amount, so we're having to watch that part of it closely. Alex is also worried that since Dr. Shanti will be relocating right after our transfer, that means she won't be there to monitor me if we do get pregnant. I'm not sure how that will work.

Once again, lots of unanswered questions and doubts as to what we should do.

Pray for us....

Love,
Jill

Finally getting started...

That's right...AF arrived this morning. Finally! I feel yucky but at least we can get started.

We go to the doctor bright and early Thursday morning. We'll both have blood drawn to finish up all the preliminary tests (just to make sure we don't have any cooties) and then Alex is supposed to give a sample of his 'goods'. I'm not sure he will be able to, he has been running fever the past couple of days which can affect the sperm analysis, so we'll see what they say. Hopefully that won't hold up anything I'm supposed to do. They get the results back on all of our tests the next day (Friday) and then the nurse said I would come in for a class discussing my meds and how to give myself the shots, etc...

I'll post more after Thursday's appointment!

Time for bed...
Jill

They were all negative...

Well it has been another week and there are at least 'signs' that AF will be arriving soon. The signs started coming late yesterday/today, so that's good news!

Between my Mom, sister-in-laws and girlfriends, I have taken several pregnancy tests in the last week to make sure that it didn't happen while I was so wrapped up in the IVF excitement. Needless to say, they were all negative. The positive thing is that I didn't get upset (like usual) because I know we are starting something that could give us a baby very soon. :) I have taken so many pregnancy tests in the last 1-1/2 years, I can't even imagine the day it shows a plus sign...you can all expect to see a picture of that one. As gross as that sounds! LOL

I expect to start my birth control next week...

That's all for now.

Love,
Jill

Waiting...

Well, this was supposed to be week 1, the week I was to start BC pills. Seems crazy that they put you on birth control to get pregnant. It's basically so they can have total control of what my body does during this entire process. Anywho, I wasn't able to start the BC pills because I was waiting on AF. (I'm abbreviating to keep from grossing out any men that might read this blog) LOL

I will hopefully start next week and can begin the process then. I've waited this long, what's another week!? :)

Jill