His ways are better than my ways...

I was at the doctor's office by 8:00am. They drew blood and then I was off to waste the hours until I received the call. I went to Panera Bread for breakfast. I was too anxious to eat my meal, so I went to the park for a while. I sat on the swing set and thought about what it would be like...to actually have a child to take to the park. How much fun that would be. My mind quickly went to, what if the test is negative? What will we do? How will we feel this time around? I sat in the swing for quite a while and then decided to hit a few stores, in efforts to keep my mind occupied on other things (as if that was possible). I went to a couple of stores and started feeling sick, so I went home to lie down. By this time, it was around 11:00am. I was making myself sick just thinking about the test results, so I decided to try and sleep. I fell asleep for an hour, woke up, watched some tv and continued to wait. Finally, the phone rang! It was 2:05pm.

Me: "This is Jill"
Nurse: "Hi Jill, this is ---- from the clinic"
Me: "Yes?"
Nurse: "We have the results of your beta"
Me: "Yes?"
Nurse: "Unfortunately, it was negative"

I have no idea how the conversation went after that...I just wanted off the phone. I was fighting back tears.

I immediately called Alex and he came home from work. Our response is very similar to the last failed cycle...lots of tears, lots of questions, aching hearts, etc. There is a difference though...even as I was crying, I thought to myself, "I put my confidence in God, His ways are better than my ways." I want to praise Him in this and though I may not know how at this very moment, I have no doubt that He will receive glory from this painful, disappointing outcome.

Thank you all, for your prayers and encouragement during this cycle. We are unsure as to what our next steps will be. We may begin a journey towards adoption, we may try one more cycle...we're unsure at this point. I ask you to pray that our future steps would be clear.

"Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, the Scriptures give us strength to go on, they cheer us up and give us hope" Romans 15:4

Love to all,
Jill