Friday, October 10, 2008

His ways are better than my ways...

I was at the doctor's office by 8:00am. They drew blood and then I was off to waste the hours until I received the call. I went to Panera Bread for breakfast. I was too anxious to eat my meal, so I went to the park for a while. I sat on the swing set and thought about what it would be like...to actually have a child to take to the park. How much fun that would be. My mind quickly went to, what if the test is negative? What will we do? How will we feel this time around? I sat in the swing for quite a while and then decided to hit a few stores, in efforts to keep my mind occupied on other things (as if that was possible). I went to a couple of stores and started feeling sick, so I went home to lie down. By this time, it was around 11:00am. I was making myself sick just thinking about the test results, so I decided to try and sleep. I fell asleep for an hour, woke up, watched some tv and continued to wait. Finally, the phone rang! It was 2:05pm.

Me: "This is Jill"
Nurse: "Hi Jill, this is ---- from the clinic"
Me: "Yes?"
Nurse: "We have the results of your beta"
Me: "Yes?"
Nurse: "Unfortunately, it was negative"

I have no idea how the conversation went after that...I just wanted off the phone. I was fighting back tears.

I immediately called Alex and he came home from work. Our response is very similar to the last failed cycle...lots of tears, lots of questions, aching hearts, etc. There is a difference though...even as I was crying, I thought to myself, "I put my confidence in God, His ways are better than my ways." I want to praise Him in this and though I may not know how at this very moment, I have no doubt that He will receive glory from this painful, disappointing outcome.

Thank you all, for your prayers and encouragement during this cycle. We are unsure as to what our next steps will be. We may begin a journey towards adoption, we may try one more cycle...we're unsure at this point. I ask you to pray that our future steps would be clear.

"Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, the Scriptures give us strength to go on, they cheer us up and give us hope" Romans 15:4

Love to all,
Jill

26 comments:

elainaann said...

Just wanted to say I love you sister! Still praying.

becca said...

oh Jill I am so sorry. I've been anxiously checking your blog, not knowing when you would be testing.
I will continue to pray for you

courtney said...

I'm so sorry. At this point I can't imagine the difficulty of putting yourself through all of this and getting a negative. You guys are going to be amazing parents and I'm praying that soon you will have a beautiful child to take care of (with lots of hair and cute dimples). This is when I love that song "praise you in this storm". He's still with us. But that doesn't mean this doesn't just suck.

Kellie Gene said...

Jill, sweetie, I am soo sorry to hear this sad news. I am still praying for you and Alex. You are in my heart now so whatever the future holds I am lifting you up to the Lord.

NeNe said...

I'm so so sorry Jill...I'm sending up prayers for you.

Eric and Emily said...

I am so sorry for this news!!!
Your faith is amazing and is such an inspiration to myself and so many others I am sure, even as you face these difficult times! I have been praying for you like so many others and I know God is listening to all of our prayers, we just don't know what He is up to, but I am sure it is great, I look forward to what he has planned for you and so many of us going through IF.
May God give you the strength and guidance to make a decision about your next step whatever God intends it to be!
Love and Prayers,
Emily

BB and MTB said...

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry. You have so many people praying for you and caring about your future. Hoping you feel better soon and thousands of hugs for you.

Cheryl said...

Jill, I am so sorry! I feel for you... I'm mad and sad and hopeful all at the same time. I wish I could take all the pain away! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Alex and Jill, I am so sorry to hear this news. I am sorry. No words right now will be what you want to hear, but know many many people are praying for your peace right now. I love you both and have total faith that God is going to bless you both with that family your heart desires. Love you guys. ab

Leslie Laine said...

Jill - I'm so disappointed to hear your news. I do want you to know, though, that God is already working through you. It is of such comfort to read your post today and to see how you're trusting in God no matter what the outcome. I want for you to know how inspiring that is as I think about the many disappointments that could come of this IVF cycle for us.

I pray that God will show you which way you need to turn from here, and I know that He will. You are truly an inspiration to me.

l.l.

Joannah said...

I am so sorry, sweet Jill. Even though your heart is breaking, you have the right attitude about all of this. You are precious to your Heavenly Father, and He does have a perfect plan for the way you and your husband will become parents.

Keep moving forward. Keep trusting in the Lord.

(((hugs)))

JimandApril said...

oh my dear sweet friend whom I have just come to know...i am TRULY saddened and sorry to hear your news! I will pray for comfort and peace and strength for you to get through this time! So glad you have God to rest in! Your so right, His ways are not our ways! Here is a song that has helped me through my miscarriages...

nother rainy day
I can’t recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can’t move
When I don’t know what I should do
When I wonder if I’ll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that’s keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That’s the only way that I’ll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don’t wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don’t wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You’re everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

amy said...

Oh Jill, I'm so sorry. I'm praising the Lord that you are finding your comfort in Him. The storms and valleys suck...but the Lord is faithful and true. I pray that He'll direct your steps.
Psalm 121:1--Your help comes from the Lord.

Pslam 138:8--The Lord will accomplish what concerns me.

Blessings,
Amy

I Believe in Miracles said...

Jill - my heart is breaking for you. God knows what he's doing, but sometimes it is so hard to understand why. I love that you've been able to feel his hand upon you in this dificult time. Please know I'm hear for you and praying for you.
**BIG HUGS**

Hope2morrow said...

You are too fair
to be mistreated
And too kind to be undone.

even life has no right
to make you bow down
and call it uncle.

(Maya Angelou)

Thinking of you!

Molly & John Telford said...

So very sorry. I love you bunches.
Molly

Mary Kate said...

No words right now will make you feel better! I just want to say, I am so sorry & know I will be praying for you guys!!

Leslie Laine said...

Jill - I keep thinking about you today and I wanted to share something my mom said to me this morning. She said that only God knows our baby's birthday, and He'll make it happen just as He has it planned, in whatever way is best. This brought a little tear to my eye, and it made me think of you.

I'm praying for you, Girl. I hope you're taking care of yourself this weekend.

l.l.

Faith said...

Oh Jill, my heart breaks for you right now. I am so sorry for the disappointment and hurt you are feeling. I just prayed for you and Alex, and I will continue to. Love and hugs, Faith

Father, please comfort Your children right now with Your perfect love and peace. You alone can be the lifter of their heads. I pray that You would clearly show them the way they should go and that they would walk in Your leading. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Stephanie said...

Alex & Jill,
I am so sorry about this cycle being negative. As I read this post my eyes just welled up with tears. William & I were praying for you guys everyday.
I think it is amazing that you can have such perspective despite the pain that you are feeling. You guys are a true inspiration to us!

Love~ Stephanie

sara said...

Oh Jill, I am so sorry sweetheart. My heart broke reading that post...you of all people I wish I could change this for. I am so sorry - I wish I was there to physically give you a big hug, because I would. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. ((hugs))

April said...

So sorry to hear this news. I know the pain well and wish it on no one. :( Please just know your faith and patience are an inspiration to others. xxoo april

becca said...

you're welcome. I didn't think it would be very anonymous with me having some appear in my yard the same night. I had the boys run over there with them. I was stopped in front of your house telling them where to put them when Alex came out... I just waved and drove off like a big dork :) But the boys loved going on their little mission.
I'm praying for you all and for your baby, whenever and wherever s/he may be.

Nikki said...

You are in my prayers. The hurt and disappointment go beyond words. I am here for you if you need to vent. I will be praying that God show you the next step.

I just got together with a friend of a friend who had a failed IVF cycle and 4 years of infertility. She started going to an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility. They did acupuncture along with herbal stuff. She became pregnant within 6 months and is due to have a boy. I have always been leary of that type of stuff, but I am starting to think it wouldn't hurt to be open to the possibilities. The woman gave me the book that her acupuncturist refers to called The Infertility Cure. I will let you know what I find out and think of it all. I love you even from so far away and I know that God will continue to bless you for the way you glorify Him with your attitude.

andrea_jennine said...

I'm so sorry.

(Just catching up on blogs; sorry I'm late with my condolences.)

Elaine said...

Jill,

I am so sorry that I am just now having a chance to respond to this blog. I read it on Friday, but I think my heart broke along with yours. I prayed for you guys on many occassions this weekend. I'm just so sorry that your news wasn't what you wanted to hear. I'm still praying and believe with every ounce of my soul that you WILL get your miracle.